I have lots of photos to share from our Holiday weekend, but there is a story I have to share, so the photos will get posted later :)
Last night, we had some friends over to watch the UFC fight (Thanks Andrea and Casey...it was fun!). We made hamburgers and homemade french fries for dinner, and Casey decided to be helpful and dump out the grease for us on the side of the road (thanks a lot Casey!). Very early this morning, my overly sensitive nose alerted me to a horrid stench that burned straight through my nostrils and instantly nauseated my stomach. I awoke David and alerted him to the fact that there was a skunk near our house, and it wasn't good. He didn't smell it until he went to close the window (his nose isn't as sensitive as mine). We eventually became used to the smell (well, sort of), at least enough to sleep. David left early this morning to go check all of the water on his fields, and when he came back, he was super disgusted to find that our whole house reeked of skunk. He immediately pulled out the fans and placed them in all the windows and turned on every fan and opened every window in the house. The only problem, was that the smell wasn't going away. He took a quick survey of the roadsides to see if there was a dead carcass, and nothing could be found.
Grace and walked down to check on the garden in our back yard, and the smell seemed to get stronger and more putrid. I warned David that he had better find the body and dispose of it, or I wouldn't be able to sleep with the windows open or hang clothes on the line for a good month. In his surveying, he decided to peek down the culvert that goes underneath the road and exits on the other side. This is a pretty long culvert, and it's not very big around. He yells "The skunk is in the middle of the culvert, and he's injured but alive." Now, just a warning for all of you animal lovers...this story isn't pretty, but let's face it, it's a skunk, it's injured, and it reeks. Apparently, we left the gate to our back yard open, and the damned thing got hit by a car while eating the grease (thanks again Casey), it then limped it's stinking injured body into our yard where it continually sprayed and pissed all over the yard while losing hair all the way down to the culvert by our garden. I was awoken by the horrible stench, and let's face it, we're rednecks. We aren't going to pull the skunk out, revive it and take it to a vet. We did like any other redneck would do, and we pulled out a gun. David unloaded four or five rounds down the culvert and still, nothing. The skunk was still bouncing around and spraying like crazy. He went to the house and came out with his pistol, and still...after unloading several rounds, that damn thing was still alive! Grace and I were busy babying the tomato plants in the garden, knowing that our manly man could take care of the situation. Pretty soon, David emerges from the house with a shot gun, and finally, after a couple of rounds, that stupid skunk laid there lifeless in the culvert. Relief? Well, not really, because if any of you are rednecks like, us you know what a decomposing skunk smells like, and you don't really want to leave one in a culvert in your back yard in the smeltering summer heat.
Pretty soon, I see David with a pitch fork and he is headed into the culvert to pull out the skunk (yes...that pitchfork can come in pretty handy if you remember my camping post with him carrying a giant carp on the end of the pitchfork). He tried to wriggle into the culvert, but he's to big to fit (Mind you that Grace and I are still watching from the safe distance of the garden). Pretty soon, I hear "Russell, come over here and crawl in there and get that skunk." Russ was a little nervous, but he crawled a little ways into the culvert and realized it was much to scary, and for reasons beyond my comprehension, he rolled over and actually turned around in the culvert instead of coming back out the way he went in. I am just thankful that my boy didn't get stuck. It could have been ugly! So now, we have a real dilemma. David looks and Grace and she tells him that there is no way she is going in. And suddenly, for reasons unbeknownst to myself, I volunteer. I would like to say that it's because I was worried about having to smell the stench for the next month, but honestly, looking back, I don't think that even the thought of the stench would be enough to make me relive the next few moments of the experience.
The pitchfork was already in the culvert where Russell left it, and the skunk wasn't quite half way through the pipe. I simply had to crawl in, take the pitch fork further into the hole, wrap it around the skunk, and drag it out. As I crawled into the opening of the culvert, the stench tunneled right in my direction. The bottom of the culvert was covered with a powdery dust and lots of debris. I could see the light at the other end of the tunnel, and I could see a lifeless lump with the silhouette of hair. As I started crawling, I realized that the smell was a lot worse than I had imagined. David was cheering me on and he kept saying "It's not far, you're almost there." As I crawled further and further, I heard him say "I didn't realize it was that far in there". That didn't really boost my confidence, but I was already in there, and I was already covered in skunk spray and urine, so I figured I might as well carry out my duty and get it done and over with. When I finally got close enough (remember the pitch fork is stretched out in front of me), I reach forward with the fork to wrap around the skunks body. That stupid thing moved around a little and I was done. I think it was most likely dead, but it was still having some involuntary muscle movements or something. Needless to say, I didn't care if it was involuntary or not, I wasn't taking any chances!!! I reached my arms forward and started pushing myself backwards as fast as I could. There was no way I would chance being stuck in a culvert with a live skunk! Unfortunately, I emerged from the tunnel without a pitch fork...it was the least of my worries. As I stood up and the sweat started dripping down my face and into my mouth, I knew I had other things to worry about. As I sat propped against a fence post, dry heaving, I knew that I was not only smelling the stinking skunk, but I was crawling through all of his excrements. After dry heaving a time or two (luckily, I hadn't eaten any breakfast), I ran for the back deck where I stripped down to my unders. After the filthy, reeking clothes were all shed, I realized that all of the doors on the back of the house were locked, and I had to run to the front in my skivies. Thank goodness we live in the country, or I would have been busted! I ran inside to shower and bathe (several times) to no avail. The stench remained.
Little did I know, that Russell and David were still outside at work. David asked Russ if he thought he could make it in to get the pitchfork, and I guess that after seeing his valiant and brave (HA HA) mother crawl into the tunnel, he had a new sense of confidence. He crawled right in and retrieved the pitch fork. Upon exiting the tunnel, David realized the ease in which he retrieved the fork, and asked if he could go back for the skunk this time. He grabbed a rock and demonstrated how to wrap the fork ends around the skunks body and drag him out. Russell crawled right in the hole and dragged the skunk right out to David. THANK HEAVENS! David was able to dispose of that smelly carcase, and now, maybe we can get some relief from the smell!
After bathing in tomato juice, and slathering ourselves with smelly lotions and sprays, we were finally able to get that smell off (well...except for the fact that we had on so much smelly stuff, that we probably smelled a little like cheap whores). The moral of the story is, in case you were wondering, don't dump grease on the side of the road (hint, hint, Casey).
